I love you. I do not like you.
I was going to take a break from our story and blog on something sexy. However, I cannot seem to get this part of our story out of my mind. So, I will skip ahead just a bit to the recovery phase.
The one thing we knew is that we loved each other more than anything. I loved him more than I wanted to "find myself." He loved me more than he wanted to leave me for my colossal mistake. The first time I spent time with him on an actual date, I knew that he was the one. Months later into our courtship, he revealed to me that he knew he loved me that same night. We really had one of those moments. The one where lightning hits your heart and you know you are sitting there with your soul mate. There was no way we were throwing this deep connection away over this. It. Just. Was. Not. Worth. It.
So, what do you do? How do you connect with someone that you love so much when you really do not even want to look at that person? I had a hard time being in the same room with him because I had to look at his face and know that I caused the pain that I saw in his eyes. He had to be nice to someone who just shattered his world; everything he knew to be true, was fraud. He could no longer trust me or what came out of my mouth.
Communication, or lack there of, was one of the huge reasons we found ourselves in this mess. I failed to tell him how I was feeling. Why would I tell him those thoughts? He was not listening to the hint-drop-blatantly-telling-him that I needed the romance. He did not tell me things that he wanted to say because he felt that sparing my feelings was better than being honest. (This does not mean be hateful to your spouse. It means to say the things that are important. Like when their words or actions do not sit right with you).
Something really unexpected happened during this time. Our sex life exploded. Looking back, I know it was because this was the only way we could really connect. We were on the frits emotionally and mentally. I really could not express to him how sorry I was with words. He could not cover the amount of pain he felt in a conversation. The feelings and emotions we had for each other were stuck in our souls. But, when we connected physically, all of that flowed.
For the first time in our lives, we felt like our souls united. It was like we actually became one person during sex. It was Biblical.
We discovered some other firsts during this time, too.
Orgasms were like unicorns for me, until he and I started having sex. Even then, I would be lucky to experience one with each encounter. Every once in a while, I would have two. I just assumed this was the way God made me and I would never be one of those women who climaxed multiple times. WRONG. I found myself having six or seven orgasms each time. We also realized I had the ability to signal an emergency alert for flash floods when a spontaneous sex session occurred on our bathroom floor.
Mr. Cajun had made a habit of sitting in the bathroom with me while I soaked off my day in the tub. I was headed to the tub when that occurred. Since we were both soaked, we climbed in the tub together. This was another first for us. Sharing a bath. This is where the gates of communication opened like the doors at the mall on Black Friday. There is something about being naked that allows you to be completely honest and vulnerable. We spent about an hour in this initial bath time debriefing the momentous sex we had just encountered. When I stood up to get out, I felt ever so slightly emotionally lighter.
The next night, I poured my bath, lit some candles, threw in a bath bomb and asked Mr. Cajun to join me. This was the beginning of a tradition we still do to this day. We do not have pink water and candles every night. But, we do spend 30 minutes or an hour in that tub every night talking. We use this time to get everything off of our chests, the good, the bad, the ugly. Our ability to communicate grew exponentially.
This was also how we started discussing the lifestyle. But, that's another blog post for another day.
If you find yourself in a place where you cannot connect with your spouse, you have a hard time talking, you feel like you are atmospheres away from each other: have sex. A lot of sex. It really is the best medicine for disconnect. If you find yourself in a sexual rut: have sex. The more sex you have, the more you want to have it. Even if it is the last thing you want to do, have sex.
I am so glad this man loved me more than he needed to be right or vindicated, or to leave. I am so glad we made it to the other side. There is so much goodness we would have missed out on if we would have let that part of our life destroy our lives.